I was chatting with my brother tonight about family. My brother and I would freely admit this to any stranger, but while we talk somewhat frequently, we wouldn’t say either of us are that close.
I’m the oldest of [technically] 8 children, if we count both my mother’s and father’s side of my family. (I added technically, because about 6 years ago, my mother gave a child up for adoption that she had) The make-up of this also happens to be very temporal down my mother and then my father’s side.
Mom’s Side
- 30 year old brother
- 27 year old sister
- 25 year old brother
Dad’s Side
- 23 year old sister
- 21 year old brother
- 19 year old sister
These are all half siblings.
Growing up, I was much closer to my mom’s side siblings. I attribute this solely to the fact that I was raised by my mother’s father, and so that meant more exposure to that side in general.
I think we all share a desire to be closer, but more that we don’t know how. I was never instilled with a great sense of fraternity among family. I don’t know what my siblings think, but I can speculate a lot – which, for their sake, I won’t get into. Regardless, I think they would share my thoughts and feel similarly. We simply weren’t given opportunities to be very close.
When it comes to my father’s side, I definitely never had an opportunity to know them. Shortly after my sister was born on that side, my father had decided I essentially didn’t an exist. (It’s still rather hurtful, but I guess many many years later, you just deal with it) I don’t think I’ll ever know why that happened, and at this point, I don’t know if it will matter.
I guess, the point of this post is to express that I don’t know what familial ties are like. Even with my aunt’s family who I’m extremely close to, and feel rather adopted into, still feels somewhat foreign to me. Granted, it’s the most natural sense of family I know, but even then, I still have a sense that I’ll never quite belong, anywhere.
I think that gets to the root of this post – that I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to feel like I belong. It’s a struggle I’ve had all my life. I’ve struggled integrating myself into friend situations, professional in-person networking, familial situations. While I showcase that I’m rather gregarious and outgoing, that’s typically just a ruse I place I’ve managed to perfect over the years.
This isn’t to say I don’t have some amazingly close friends. It isn’t to say I don’t have an incredibly close relationship with those people. This isn’t meant to diminish how close I feel to family. My problem is that, while I recognize I have these close relationships, but somehow I can’t connect it in the front of my mind. Something stops the emotive piece of all this from being cognizantly recognized and brought into the foremind.
I’m doing better. Every year, I find ways to connect more with those around me. It’s a struggle. It’s work. I have to WORK at what others seem to have come to them so naturally. Maybe one day, this won’t be the case, but for now, it’s okay that this will come as natural for me as it is others.